Take a step into the unknown

How did I get here? Why am I lost while others have found their way?

I see no road ahead. Just darkness I'm afraid to walk into. The sea of unknowns I rather not cross. My mind bubbles with terrible imaginations. The what-if-I-took the step. So, I mark a line of chalk between me and everything else that is a wall of darkness.

I don't know about you but, this is where I have been. These days blurred with a constant guilt. Mixed in with a BAM of anxiety. And no, I'm not just talking about hiding in from the trick or treaters which is a pretty hard job in itself - with all the lights off apart from the TV. In fact this week - the scary thing was not the amount of painted skeleton faces or Frozen costumes, but just how far my anxiety went. It took over me. Overwhelmed me.

You know just how horrible, confusing and all scary this can be. Especially when it is like your whole body is control of you and no thinking can change it. Well, I mean in the short term. I had become scared of myself in a way. This overshadowing doom that kept on creeping up on me. It was the constant thought of something bad was going to happen - something to be feared. Lets face it - it isn't nice. And although, I was taking steps forward it was like I was also taking steps back.

I will tell you one thing. I don't want to bore you with my many weeks events. This story involves handing in my first CV ( a job - an experience that I am petrified of) into a shop. When I first walked in a sudden and almighty dread eclipsed me. Suddenly, I wanted to run away. To escape. So, when I had gone around the store - up and down the stairs figuring out who to ask because I was so nervous. I finally did it. To then be stumped with 'we now only take CVs online'. I was gutted. I had worked hard on my CV. I made something also that they wouldn't be able to see online. So, you could guess I was frustrated.

However, my dad encouraged me to ask someone else. Again after I had fidgeted - hummed and harred and basically got some balls I went to ask someone else. Thankfully they went to give it to the manager. Although, this may seem not so hard - it was for me. I did do it. But, I still felt tormented with anxiety.

My anxiety at the moment has become a bit of the unknown. I can't reach out and grab it. Tear it up and put it in the bin. But, I have gotten somewhere. Writing down my thoughts. Yes, it sounds so patronising. Although it does feel a bit cringey at first it demonstrates all those thoughts you didn't really take notice of. How they cascade and gain momentum i.e. I didn't write today so therefore I am a failure becomes that means I am always a failure. Then ecalates to I am worthless - I can't write anyway and on and on.

Writing it down allows us to see if we are telling the truth. And honestly some thoughts when written down seem silly and not as bad as you think. So, try to write thoughts down and see what you think? Are they really true - probably not? Are you exaggerating? You know you are thinking a yes.

We can see the road when we have become less clouded with these false anxieties or depressions. But, the main reality is - is that sometimes we have got to take that step into the unknown. You might just end up somewhere truly amazing.