How did I get here?

Several minutes ago my brain was like a school fight. Not that the two halves of my brain were having a row. That would probably hurt. Of course I’m talking metaphorically here people!

You know how it is. One minute you’re chatting to your friend the next a swarm of running kids congregate out of no-where – a running and half-hearted jogging heard of sheep that nearly knock those new patent shoes off. How is this any relation to my brain?

All these crazed kids are the ideas, thoughts that unfurled around my eyes. A fire that when its centre found was distinguished as soon as I went to type.

So let me claw at those dissipated thoughts. Cut off balloons.

How did I get here?

Not location. I don’t need Google maps. Mainly because I have hardly moved at all. That’s the point!

I finished Sixth Form Woo! Seriously, woo I could not wait to get my little socially anxious mind away from that place. Or jungle – this would be the time where you see that scene from Mean Girls where they all act like animals around a mall fountain aka the water hole. But, that was several months ago, I don’t particularly want to look at the number because it’s seriously depressing.

So this is usually the part where, I would get teary eyed as I said au revoir to the parents and watched them walk away from typically probably 70s dorm room. And complain because my cooking skills go as far as super noodles (not true I love cooking). But, I was always determined not to go down the University route. For me and what I wanted to do, it was too clichéd. If they made an honest sale poster it would say: get wasted all the time, get a degree, end up in a completely different job and don’t forget the big bill we will leave you. It works for some people, but I like to do things differently. **It annoyed me how university was played as the only option. The universities you were applying for a hierarchy that made teacher’s swoon at the student who claimed they were going to the best universities. Other option Apprenticeship, but to strip all the façade basically was suggested if you were ‘less intelligent’. Obviously not true, but those were the connotations.

I’m a firm believer that you can’t teach someone how to write (I’m talking novels etc. not primary school literacy). Why? Because if you asked each novelist how they wrote their book they all would have done it differently. It is finding yourself. That and I also had the banner like dream of wanting to start my own business. This particularly baffled most people, that and the idea of not going to uni.

So, now it’s now. Each day folds into the other like no school days ever did. Regret has me stuck in a revolving door. I am me, but not me.

If society saw me they would say these things that equal failure. You are unemployed. Tragically friendless. You are not at university. You are just doing anything. Mental health issue, what mental health issue? You are perfectly fine, get a job.

This is the part I don’t want to say. It is the thing I want to blip when meeting new people. It’s the lip parting question that has my head hanging between blades. What are you doing? This implies job.

After some convincing I applied for JSA. Job Seekers Allowance naïve as an 18 year old suffering from social anxiety, basically generalised anxiety and as a result depression. But, I think my parents were trying to give me a nudge into life.

DISCLAIMER: This is not one of those weight loss ads that now I’m on this I have lost…duh…duh…duh. So, now you all probably think I’m a Chav that goes to the Jobcentre in tracksuit bottoms and a scrunchie. And that’s exactly what I am talking about. Stereotypes. Not only do I think that it is wrong to brand people in a negative light. Or link a particular image with negative connotations. But, how can I say that to people without being looked down on and the idea of social class rising.

As I sat there with my mum to help me with the nerves. My first interview. The Jobcentre lady talking about all the legalities and pointing at a screen. All I could do was make that face. You know the one. You have to press down your lip to stop the seams on your face puckering. It had been all too much. I could taste the tears in my mouth. I wasn’t doing it for me, for my parents.

Now I was just cast off as a failure of society. Low ranking. My already present shame deepened in my chest and blossomed into thorns that stab at my heart.

For someone who had social anxiety, my signature was signing my life away. Yes, I knew I needed to get a job. Yes, I know it would probably be shit. Yes, I know. Yes, you told me that I can’t just make my living being a writer. Yep, I know I don’t have enough ‘experience’ to run a business.

If you have social anxiety you will know how crippling it felt. I had assigned myself a new cage, and I had turned the key. I was going to have to do things I don’t want to do. Assign for everything and anything. My hell. Social anxiety hell.

To put kindling in the fiery pit. My anxiety was and is building. The house. Same everyday house was now my world. For days, I can’t say specifically when before all this Jobcentre stuff I could feel the sense of doom that accompanies it. My body was being tortured by anxiety symptoms and I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. That the anxiety was going to be the end of me (note feeling not suicidal). I needed. I need help. To then be put on a 4 months perhaps more waiting list to get help. Burn baby burn!

7 Different Types of Anxiety

  These days there is a word for everything. Take erinaceous which means 'like a hedgehog'. Yep congratulations if you got that one, but seriously there is a word for that? Why? Because we humanoids like to define everything otherwise, it is becomes an unknown. And boy are we people screamish of unknowns.

So, that is why for me... Little anxious girl, was somewhat weirdly to say it relieved (lets out breath) when I was told I had social anxiety. This would be when I would use the metaphor it opened my eyes. It seriously did. It made things sort of add up.The anxiety wasn't just a dark googly monster in the corner of my mind. Or this phantom that no-one else thought was real.

I will let you into a secret of what I learnt. You can't just put yourself in one box i.e. for me social anxiety. You might experience a combination of them at some point.

1. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

For short GAD, is the most common type of anxiety. This is when you have been feeling anxious for over a long period of time (for a minimum of 6 months). Often you find it hard to remember when you last felt relaxed. And as a result get mental and physical symptoms such as: irritability, difficulty concentrating, continual worrying, muscle tension, headaches.

Basically if you are feeling constantly anxious, worried or stressed whether be physically or mentally, perhaps both - to the point where it is having an effect on your life you might have GAD.

Please do click on the following websites for some good information on GAD and symptoms:

• Anxiety UK
• NHS

2. Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is often mistaken as shyness - trust me I know. It is also a common anxiety - so you are definitely not alone. It is the fear of people and social situations.

You fear judgement from others. Scared of being rejected or talked about. It is having the fear that somehow you are going to embarrass yourself in front of others. This then has an impact on your everyday life. Perhaps it prevents you from doing things like talking to someone on the phone or going shopping.

Please clicky on the link below to find out more about social anxiety and symptoms:

• NHS

3. Panic Disorder

At some point we all will feel panicked. In fact at least 1 in 10 people have panic attacks now and then. But, panic disorder is the recurrence of panic attacks and about 1 in 50 of us suffer from this. It is no wonder that panic attack after panic attack can leave with this cloud of doom and fear.

 If you think this is you please find more information on the NHS Panic Disorder. 

4.Agoraphobia

According to my anxiety book the term Agoraphobia is Greek for the fear of the market place. Which makes sense when agoraphobia is the fear for busy, claustrophobic and crowded places, right? 

Like most anxieties we are anxious in order to protect ourselves - likewise with agoraphobia. The majority of people who suffer from this at one point from another have experienced a terrifying panic attack that has resulted in you wanting to stay at home - a safe place.

If you want to find expert information on agoraphobia click on the following links...

• NHS Agoraphobia 
• Anxiety UK Agoraphobia

5. Phobias

Undoubtedly we all know what a phobia is. We all usually have one. Of course the usual line up of phobias are: spiders, heights and snakes. Yes those people couldn't last in I'm a Celeb. All it is, is an irrational fear of some thing that can cause a lot of anxiety and panic. 

If  you want to find more about phobias or a phobia you particularly have, you might want to virtual take a ride over to these sites:

• NHS Phobias
• Mind on Phobias
• 10 Common phobias

6. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I'm pretty sure you have come across the acronym PTSD and this is it. You may know this already but PTSD is cause of an event that has been distressful and traumatic. It is important to remember that PTSD can develop soon after the event, but it can also be years after it.

These events can range from natural disasters to violent attacks to accidents. An occasion that has been fight and flight and truly terrifying. Naturally when events such as this happen in our lives they can have a profound impact on us. For PTSD you may relive this event or become anxious when things remind you of this event 

If you are suffering from the result of a distressing event or want to simply know the symptoms, please take a look at these:

• NHS PTSD
• PTSD Help guide
• Webmd PTSD

7. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

People often associate OCD with this idea of extreme cleanliness. However, this is not always case and disregards the depth of reasoning for each individual.  OCD is when you feel overwhelmed with scary, intrusive thoughts, images or impulses that conclude with the urgent need to perform certain actions to protect yourself.

If you want to learn more about the symptoms of OCD here are some useful links:

• NHS OCD
• OCD UK

If you feel you suffer from any of these anxieties please go and see your GP. Talk to someone. Tell someone you trust. Here are some helpful sites in this particularly baffling time:

Mind

Anxiety UK

NHS

Stop Bullying

You are a school kid. Alone. Headed for home.

Yours hands are clutched over the folder you carry everywhere. By now you are quite away from your first year (high school) and the second, but perhaps not much further. The little company you have our your own thoughts and the memory of the day. The school is now a bit behind you.

Two boys head towards you. Your age. The same shabby uniform, perhaps they are in one of your classes. Maybe you hardly know them at all. They begin to awkwardly whisper at you, close and in the side of your ear. You don't and can't look at them. Their words are cruel.

Like sharks they preyed on you. Circled you then tested you out. At best you ignore them. You know they want to see your hairs on your arms prick, streaks down your face. Will they ever leave you? What can you do?

This is what I saw today. Bullying.

I had been where he had been. Gosh, I had practically danced around in his shoes. Maybe you have too? So, what do you do when you see this? Tell them to leave them alone or if they are being violent seek help. If you have been in that position then you know how horrible it can feel! So, speak up. It's can be hard especially when we ourselves are anxious, but if you see it do it. I was surprised at how startled the bully's looked before leaving him alone.

This also goes for ourselves. If you haven't been bullied then you are wrong. If you get anxious a lot then anxiety is your bully. So feel that adrenaline and speak up as loud as you can. Tell it once and for all to leave you alone!